Dr. Heather,
My current husband was released from prison in March. When he first came home, we had sex every day. At first, it was typical, but great, sex. By the end of April, we had our first threesome with a woman and since then we’ve been having them every weekend it seems. On the fourth of July, we went to a swingers club and he watched another man have sex with me. He loved it. Now he’s asking me to do it again, but with one of his friends.

For me, it was a fun, spur of the moment type of thing, nothing I would plan to do especially not with one of his friends. When I told my best friend, she asked if his ‘friend’ had also served time. I don’t know the answer to that because I don’t want to engage my husband in the conversation. But I know where my girl was going with the question. I am becoming very confused. I never thought my man was gay. I still don’t. Am I being naive?

Hi and I thank you for having the courage to inquire about whether you are being naive or not! Many people can actually feel when they are being naive about a situation that seems uncomfortable.  So, I’d say maybe you are or maybe your not. That answer is totally up to you and your feelings around this complex situation.

In order to answer this question properly, I’d like to know a little more information. But more importantly, I’d like to let you know that this topic (outside of a professional) is not up for discussion with anyone other than your husband. Sometimes we as people feel the need to gather opinions from others. But many times, outside opinions cause major damage to a union between two people.

I can’t say you are being naive at all. But I can say that a marriage means you can ask those uncomfortable questions to one another and hopefully get honest answers.  Now, those answers may or may not need to be worked through; but either way they need to be discussed.  The discussion will help to avoid this situation causing you to feel resentment in the interim because he asked you to sleep with his friend.

Lastly, don’t be confused.  Communicate and erase any confusion.  That way you two can go back to having great sex and great adventures while having great sex!

P.S. Keep your friends at a distance of “needing to know!”

Goodluck:)

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST