Stop Fücking, Start Loving:
The Makings of A Personal Celibacy Challenge 

Challenge #1: Mr. Wingspan

Two months ago, I was awakened at two in the morning. I felt alone when I wasn’t. I reached desperately for the smoothly carved curves of my lover’s chest.  In that moment, the light of his cellphone captured for me the fear of a man who knew he had been caught texting a 21-year-old while I laid with, and dreamt of, him.

“Had anyone asked me 6 months ago,” he said, “I would have told them I planned to propose to you for your birthday this year.”  However, in the same breath exactly five weeks short of my 39th birthday, he explained that he was “no longer interested in being in a relationship.”

My move-in moved out.

I couldn’t grasp the idea of life without this kid because he had practically become my young handsome manservant. He volunteered to do everything for me, including love me, in exchange for food and shelter. Once he no longer needed those things, he left.

I wasn’t ready.

So, I cried with him. I prayed with him. I slept with him. I ate with him. I slept with him again.

Soon I realized he was doing at least two of those things with someone else. Still, I reluctantly resigned -unprepared to be alone.

I immediately fasted. I prayed. I praised. I cried out to God as I read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John for nearly 24 hours straight. During the fast, I listened to God. He said things I needed to hear. He said things I wanted to hear. But, He also repeated some things which I’ve ignored in the past.

Stop Fücking. Start Loving.

I don’t think that’s exactly what God said. But that’s exactly what I heard.

I wasn’t ready to stop… but I was ready to start the latter.

After eight or so days of incommunicado with the ex, I called him up again. I wanted to show him I still loved him. That’s what God said to do, right?

So, I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after… my birthday, with him. I ate with him. I laughed with him. I drank with him. I slept with him again. Hell, I had planned to sleep with him once more on his Birthday… which was 3 days later. But, that didn’t quite go as planned.

The point is, I had made some type of deal with God to start loving immediately, but to stop fucking on January First. God laughed and rescheduled my stop date for 12/27.

Since then, I have been reading. Besides two daily devotionals (Today’s Moment of Truth and Kingdom Woman), I’ve begun a book by Dr. Danny Aiken called God and Sex. Thus far, it has shown me the importance of intimacy without sex during courtship. As well as the high priority that should be placed on both sexual and non-sexual intimacy within a marriage.

Now, I desire to give my sexual desires to God.

Really, I do.

Seriously.

“BUT.”

Anyone who knows me, knows that outside of God, I live off three things in this world: egg whites, champagne, and sex.  Hence, this celibacy thing is going to require a lot more than consistent prayer and praise.

So, how do I start? How will I keep it going? How will I end it? Why would I end it?

I don’t know.

I mean, no, I haven’t had sex since 12/26. But, I haven’t really wanted to either.  I even spent the  weekend in Alaska on the Best Date Ever. It was adventurously amazing, but not “drop my draws dreamtastic.” There was a lot of fun and a little intimacy. I was even horny once or twice.

Finally, a day where I didn’t really need to have sex.

Now, I can’t take it for granted that Aunt Flo did travel along. However, had she not been with me, I don’t think it would have been too difficult to fan the one or two flames that were sparked.

So, when or how does this actual challenge begin?

I could start today. But, there’s this one man: Mr. Wingspan.

The last time he flew me to La La Land, the  night ended with high grade marijuana, a long talk with Jesus, and a couple hours in the urgent care attached to an IV funneled bag of Potassium. I’d definitely like to replace those memories with a bottle of Nectar Imperial, a long kiss hello, and a couple hours wrapped in the arms of a man built to outlast time.

Sigh.

Decisions are not hard when they are made with purpose. If the action serves no purpose toward the betterment of my future, then it’s the wrong action. But if it does… (and this last ride could technically make this non-sexual journey a lot smoother) I might really be able to stop fücking until I’m supposed to… like, after marriage.  And only God knows how long that will be.

But will I be punished for disobeying God’s Word? I doubt it. Now, there are always consequences to stepping outside of His Godly umbrella. Hence, I know I must exercise caution when going against God’s will.

But why would I go against it? Why do any of us go against Him? It almost always ends in pain. Still, for those few seconds, minutes, -or in this case- hours of bliss, we plan to make the sacrifice.

Luckily, God laughs at most of us for second guessing His Word. He finds some way to bring us closer to Him, and then he holds us tighter than Mr. Wingspan ever could.

That’s when we realize He does everything for us, including love us, in exchange for ourselves.

Thanks, Jesus.